


The Thorn in Her Rose

by msmarycrawley



Category: Schitt's Creek, The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Ex-Socialites, F/F, Femslash, Jealous Eleanor Shellstrop, Slow Burn, Some Humor, Soulmate AU, maybe some smut at some point
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-01-05 03:31:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21206684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msmarycrawley/pseuds/msmarycrawley
Summary: Rather than getting a DUI, Alexis dies when she crashes her car into the Prada store. Unlike Eleanor, she sees nothing wrong with how she ended up in what she's told is The Good Place. Her real problem lies with who's supposedly her soulmate.





	1. Everything is Um, Fine, I Guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexis isn't greeted in the housewarming fantasy she envisioned.

In the same way that everybody here did, the first thing Alexis saw in the afterlife were the words "Welcome! Everything is fine". She did feel fine, strangely enough. She wasn't high, which was kind of a bummer, but she felt... tranquil. She wasn't a huge fan of that green font though, at least in contrast to the pale color of the wall. Sitting in this empty room, Alexis noticed that she lacked all of her normal urges to move around. In fact, she didn't want to move at all. She could feel herself waiting for something, but she didn't know what. It was freeing, but unnerving. 

A few minutes passed before Alexis heard the soft sound of a door opening and saw a man that looked like he was in his mid-60s step through. "Alexis? Come on in." He had a nice smile, although she had no idea how he knew her name. She had met a lot of people in her life, but she didn't recognize this man at all. Out of a lack of anything better to do, she followed suit.  
After entering the room behind him, Alexis sat down in front of what appeared to be his desk in a quaint little office. Her eyes perused the space quickly and subtlety in an art she had perfected, judging it to be too basic for her taste. At the very least, her host was a snappy dresser. 

"Hi Alexis, I'm Michael." The man said, sitting down to face her. "How are you?" Alexis blinked. "Hi! I'm..." She took a second to consider the question before she responded, which is not something she usually did. It had just occurred to her that she had no idea how she had gotten to this place, and she was having a hard time remembering anything at all. Yet she felt so _calm._ "Good." She concluded, leaning against her chair. "But where am I? What's going on?"

"Well... you, Alexis Rose, are dead."

"Wait, WHAT?" she shrieked, shooting up from her seat like a rocket.

Michael had an annoyed expression on his face, like she had interrupted a preplanned speech of his. He leaned forward. "Dead, you're dead." Silence filled the room. Alexis bit her lip and sunk back down, playing with her hair and refusing to look at anything else other than the split ends she swore she had gotten rid of as she absorbed the full weight of his words.

After some time, Michael spoke again. "You don't seem very surprised." Alexis snapped her head up and glared at him sharply. "Well, literally give me a fucking SECOND, you just told me that I died. What do you say to that?" Michael smiled, content to be back on track. "Usually people scream and cry, sometimes they throw stuff. You're somewhere in the middle."

He was right, Alexis wasn't exactly surprised that she was dead. She always figured she'd be the first to go in her family. It wasn't that she _wanted_ to die, but she prided herself on being a party girl who loved adventures and the thrill of danger. She was impulsive, and she knew she'd probably die doing something really stupid that seemed worth it at the time. Which reminded her... "But how? Why don't I remember anything?" 

"Well, sometimes in the case of a traumatic or embarrassing death, we erase the memory of the person to allow for a peaceful transition into the afterlife," Michael said. Alexis snorted, raising her fingers to the light to check if her polish was still shiny. It was. "Well, which was mine?" "Both, to tell you the truth. Do you want to know?" Alexis nodded, figuring the more information the better. She was already starting to miss her clothes. And her drugs.

Michael took a small breath. "You died when you crashed your car into a Prada store. You thought it was a parking garage." The brunette resisted a giggle. That sounded like her. "And that's it?" "That's it." She was kind of hoping her death would be more eventful, but at least it wasn't ordinary. He went on to tell her that this was "the good place", that nobody else died in her car accident, and that would have to be enough. After she asked more questions and grew more..accustomed to her present situation, Michael began shuffling a deck of paper on his desk, tapping them into place. "I must say, Alexis Rose, you have had one of the most interesting lives I have ever seen in all the years I've been doing this. You packed so much into such a short time frame, this should be studied." He stood up. "Now, Follow me. I still have a lot to show you."

Alexis found it difficult to pay attention to the introductory video Michael showed her and the other dead people. She was grateful her mother had forced her to be a spokesperson to all of those charity auctions that must have gotten her all of those points, but she was too excited to see her house. And to meet her _soulmate._

By the time it was over and the others dispersed, she was practically bursting at the seams. Alexis grinned and waved enthusiastically at Michael, trying to catch his eye over the sea of people in front of her. He looked over at her quickly and grinned, turning back to a short blonde woman he was talking to. Alexis half walked, half skipped her way over to him because the Roses never waited for anybody. Eventually he gestured her closer, holding out his hand for her to grab which she did gladly. "Alexis! Great to see you. This is Eleanor. The two of you are actually headed in the same direction, you can come with us to see your house." She turned to Eleanor and smiled. "Hi!" The other woman looked up at her and half smirked. "Hi," she said. Alexis was taken aback by how low her voice sounded.

The three of them chatted away as they walked. Really, two-Eleanor barely said a word. She seemed lost in thought. Michael explained that there were many neighborhoods in the good place, and all of them were different. He told them that they'd live in the house of their dreams with their soulmates. Alexis started to tune Michael out, conjuring up an image of a rustic man in her mind. He would be softspoken, but not TOO soft, masculine, and he'd have blue eyes. Or green eyes. And he'd be a musician. Or he'd play a sport. The possibilities of her perfect man were endless and she was overwhelmed just thinking about what he'd turn out to be.

After a while they reached a secluded, wooded area. There were two houses in front of them, one, a brightly colored cottage, and the other a mansion whose beauty and awe rivaled that of the main Rose residence. Alexis let out a squeal. "Oh my god, tell me the one on the right is mine!" Michael stopped and turned to Eleanor, who looked a tad confused. "This is the house that best suits your desires..." "Um, hello?" Alexis said loudly. "Can I go?" "He nodded. "Sure. And have fun. Your soulmate-"

Alexis didn't even wait to hear the rest of his sentence. Leaving Michael and Eleanor far behind her, she walked briskly and locked her gaze on the mansion that was calling to her. After a while she stopped and removed her shoes, feeling the grass beneath her feet and the sun on her skin, stretching her arms out to the sky. She breathed deeply. Finally, she was in her element. Alexis heard the soft bubbling of the fountains as she made her way up to the steps of the house, closely examining the architecture of the building. It was old, for sure, and exactly what she was used to. Just as she was about to flounce forward and fling open the door, she took a second to pause. This was going to be the beginning of her eternity. She wanted to make a good impression. If her soulmate was inside, which is what she thought Michael was going to say before she left, she didn't want to rush in. She pictured herself running into the arms of someone waiting just beyond that door. A real "honey, I'm home!" moment she never got during her lifetime. She cleared her throat, licked her teeth, flung back her hair and looked at her reflection in the glass just above the brass handle. _Ready._

"It's me, Alexis Rose!" The socialite said theatrically. Alexis opened the door wide open with gusto to the sound of glass shattering. As her eyes adjusted to the light inside, she saw a woman that looked around her age staring at her slack-jawed inside the main foyer. She was wearing a dress Alexis wouldn't ever touch, and gripping flowers Alexis would never buy. She looked down to see glass spewed all around the floor in front of them, and back at the woman who still had not moved. Alexis gathered that she had been in the process of putting flowers into a vase just as she entered the house. Water slowly seeped from the flower stems she was gripping with her hands, dripping onto the floor. As if on cue, the door behind them closed silently. 

"What the f..." the woman muttered before quickly regaining her composure and straightening herself out. Giving Alexis her best fake smile, she asked, "Are you lost?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alexis is my favorite character on Schitt's Creek, and Tahani is my favorite character on The Good Place. This is my pride and joy, my favorite idea I've ever come up with for a fic. I have [this](https://www.vulture.com/2019/02/good-place-tahani-schitts-creek-alexis-quiz.html) article to thank for it, as well as a genius comment I saw that suggested that though the former socialites appear similar, they would actually dislike each other. Tahani would see Alexis as too common, and Alexis would hate her attitude. I have a solid idea of where this fic will go, and I'm determined to see it through. JUST LOOK AT [THEM!](https://twitter.com/schittscreek/status/1175242717699411968?s=21)


	2. The Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tahani has had many odd things happen in her life, but she received her biggest shock after she died.

"Are you lost?" Tahani could hear herself say it, but she couldn't make herself believe any of this was happening. She was just about to swear, and she _never_ swore. The woman before her had an annoyingly quizzical look on her face as if she didn't just cause Tahani to drop an entire vase on the floor in surprise. This person that Tahani had never seen or dreamt up before in either life or death had the audacity to come into her house as if she owned the place. She was flummoxed, absolutely flummoxed, to say the least. And she was still just standing there, right by the door. It was like a scene out of a comedy sketch, neither of them moving while glass was strewn about everywhere around them.

Because Tahani was nice and she wanted to give her time to answer her question, she swiveled to the nearby table to place the flowers down and neatly wiped her hands on a handkerchief (one must always have one lying around). She clasped her hands together and plastered on her best fake smile expectantly. Still not a word from the stranger. _Kill me now,_ Tahani thought. _Oh wait..._ Unfortunately, it looked like she'd have to do the legwork here.

"Hello, my name is Tahani," she elegantly swooped over to the other woman and reached out a hand. "And I live here. Are you lost?" Ordinarily, she didn't like to repeat herself. But this time it was necessary.

"Um...." The brunette pointed at her flimsily and looked back and forth in confusion, hair whipping about her face as her eyes darted around the room. _So she DOES speak._

_ _She tentatively reached out to shake Tahani's hand. "I'm Alexis." Right, she did say that was her name when she waltzed in. Tahani was in such a state that she never absorbed it. "I'm sorry, but I was told I lived here? I'm supposed to be waiting for someone." When Alexis was finished talking, she set both of her arms at her side in this odd perched position, like she was lazily holding two invisible handbags. Tahani slightly narrowed her eyes. She cleared her throat. _ _

_ _"Are you new here?" Alexis nodded quickly, her blue eyes still wide with residual shock. "Ah." Tahani felt her posture lighten a little. She'd been in The Good Place for a while-A week? A month? She wasn't sure, time worked differently here-but when she first arrived she remembered how strange it felt. Maybe she could help this Alexis girl find her way. She gestured to two velvet chairs in the foyer. "Let's sit. Oh-and watch out for the glass." The glass that she made her drop. Alexis shot her a relieved smile, seemingly unaware of Tahani's underlying broodiness. "Thanks!" She looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Tahani knew the feeling, but she hoped she didn't show it quite so openly. As she made her way to the chairs, she watched Alexis teeter in high heels around the vase shards out of the corner of her eye, her arms still locked in that strange position. She was like a cartoon character. If Tahani was in a better mood she might have reached out an arm for her to grab onto. Sadly for both of them, she wasn't._ _

__

__

_ _"So," Alexis sighed as she settled down and made herself comfortable. A little TOO comfortable, if you asked Tahani. "What...." she faltered a little. The other woman decided to help her out. _ _

_ _"Did Michael tell you anything about where you were supposed to go? You saw the orientation, right?" Maybe she'd wandered off right after without waiting for instructions. She did seem sort of ditsy._ _

_ _"Michael!" Alexis exclaimed a little too loudly, a glimmer of normalcy returning to her face. She leaned forward as if she was telling Tahani something very important. "Yes," she lowered her voice, shooting Tahani a serious glance. "He told me to come here. That's why I'm all..." Alexis pouted and flittered her hands about her face. This woman liked to postulate. "That's why this is so weird. Because you're already here." She paused. "And this is where I'm supposed to meet my soulmate."_ _

_ _She didn't like the sound of that at all. Tahani swallowed, mentally wishing she had a glass of water to gulp down before responding-although Alexis would probably just make her knock it over anyway. "Hmm..." she looked down at her crossed legs, moving one ankle up and down slowly. She could feel Alexis's eyes burning into her, hoping she could give her an explanation for this bizarre situation. "Perhaps he was mistaken." She took a deep breath and smiled politely. That was all she got. Alexis frowned, resting her elbow on the chair and propping up her head in one hand. "I guess..." she murmured, absentmindedly staring at her fingernails. An uncertain air filled the room. Both of them knew how unlikely this was, but neither of them would admit to that. Then again, all of this WAS sort of a fever dream anyway. _ _

_ _As if on cue, the man-entity, rather-of the hour flew open the door with gusto, startling the two socialites. Tahani really needed people to stop doing that....and was he somehow listening the whole time? _ _

_ _"Hello Alexis! Tahani." Michael said, looking at them pointedly as he spoke in that careful, stilted way of his. He walked over to them in style, quietly exclaiming "Oh!" at the broken glass before swiftly moving around the shards to face them both in the center of the room. "I see you've already become acquainted. Good." He grinned broadly, in a rather unsettling manner. _ _

_ _Tahani smiled and said "Yes" because really, that's all she could bring herself to do in the moment, while Alexis simultaneously sprung up and started talking incoherently. She thought she heard something akin to "Michael, something WEIRD happened! I thought you said my soulmate....what the fuck is going on?" in between bouts of multiple "oh my god"s and "like"s before Michael laughed loudly and got her to calm down. Tahani silently approved of her display of indignation. She didn't like what she was being dragged into either, not one bit._ _

_ _"Ladies, ladies." Michael leaned back slightly and rested both hands on his stomach. He was quite performative. He took a deep breath before he spoke next as if he knew what he was going to say would break the sound barrier soon. "I was not mistaken. You ARE soulmates." This time, it was both of their turns to get outraged. "WHAT?" Tahani thundered, practically launching herself over to him. Alexis shouted something similar and scoffed in disbelief, wildly turning to Tahani with an open mouth. There's no way this could be happening to her. She refused to accept it. "But I'm not-"_ _

_ _"I'm not a LESBIAN!" Alexis finished, all semblance of composure gone. She stomped her feet, and her normal stance had been replaced with balled fists at her sides. Tahani would never admit it, but she was grateful to Alexis for saying what they were both thinking. This was preposterous._ _

_ _"No, no, no, neither of you are." Michael said, waving his hand dismissively. Just another day at the office for him. Tahani was absolutely fuming. _Unbelievable._ She hated this man-this "architect"- this _thing._ _ _

__

__

_ _"But you ARE bisexual," Michael continued calmly. "This happens occasionally. Some people go their whole lives without fully discovering their sexuality. You weren't living your life wrong, you are both attracted to men." He said this like this was supposed to provide them with some semblance of comfort, but Tahani watched in solidarity as Alexis sunk back into her chair in disbelief. Michael looked around, seemingly aware that he had completely lost the captivity of the room. "....But you're attracted to women as well. And now you're soulmates! Isn't that wonderful? You get to figure it out together!" _ _

_ _Tahani was still at a loss for words. "No," she mouthed at Michael, horrified. He gave her a knowing look, and she glared back. She kicked the glass at her feet with her heel in his direction and started to pace the room. Alexis was sitting there motionless in a stupor._ _Could he be right? I mean, there was that one girl that she kissed when she was 17... And Eleanor is pretty cute. But.. "No." Tahani vocalized loudly. She wasn't attracted to Alexis, and that seemed like a big component in the concept of soulmates. She was a pretty woman, but she couldn't see herself with her in that way. They were STRANGERS, she was a GIRL, and they were expected to live together? To sleep together? To do everything together and be happy about it? Your soulmate was supposed to fill you with happiness and make you complete, not make you feel hopeless despair. Tahani didn't want this and neither did Alexis. How could this be The Good Place?_ _

_ _Alexis suddenly moaned dramatically, burying her head in her hair and trying her hardest to sink into the floor. "I just wanna die. Again. This can't be happening to me. I wanna go home." Tahani suddenly noted how childish she was, this would get annoying after a while, and- "No." She said again, with more emphasis this time. There wouldn't be time for her to get to know her irritating quirks because she had to _go._ Her and Michael both did, this was her forking house._ _

_ _Michael laughed silently, with a gleam in his eye. "Yes. You have no choice, it has been predetermined. You two belong together." Did Tahani mention how much she despised this man?_ _

_ _"Just take the day to get to know each other, alright?" He said, starting to waltz out of the room without a care in the world. "Remember, you have the party tonight." He said, sticking his head between the door one final time before shutting it._ _

_ _Tahani twirled away from him in disgust as soon as she heard the door click. "What party?" She wondered aloud. _ Oh fork._ He was right. THAT party. The one she had been actually looking forward to up until now. Alexis was a newcomer, and they had that... get together thing later where everyone could mingle. Maybe she would meet her real soulmate there. _ _

_ _But that was a few hours away. In the meantime, she still had a girl in her foray who wouldn't even look at her, she was so upset. Fantastic. Fan forking tastic. They were really in it now.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A LOT has happened since I updated this fic. The world has gone to shit, and both Schitt's Creek and The Good Place have ended (I haven't gotten caught up on either, so that won't impact this story at all-Though I might start a rewatch to refresh myself soon). I'm suuuper bad at updating because I never have the motivation. I will try to get better at it, I promise. Nevertheless, I hope I've retained some readers or pick up new ones. Enjoy! This will be a fun ride, and it's only just begun.


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